Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls

i'm not sure how i missed this book. it was published in 2002, and is absolute must reading for EVERY youth worker (male or female) and every parent of a girl.it's a tough read and an easy read. easy, because simmons is an excellent writer and fills the book with real stories of real girls. tough, because the real girls she profiles reveal a profile of aggression (almost universally experienced) that is so painful, so destructive, it's difficult to read (especially if you care about teenage girls).i had a great chat with my 13 year-old daughter, liesl, after reading this book. she was very open about how girls treat each other. i may be fooling myself, but i do think that liesl's private school (a waldorf school, which is particularly nurturing and has no tolerance for mistreatment) protects her from the fullest extent of what this behavior would look like in the vast majority of schools. in fact, i could easily see liesl being the aggressor (the rumor-creator, the silent treatment-giver, the "we don't like you" club-originator), were she in a different context.the book talks at length about why this alternative aggression is so commonplace amongst girls. it also talks about why schools are so poor at addressing it. it's a bit light on suggestions for what we all (who care about girls) can do about it - but there is some of this, especially near the end of the book.given my passion for early adolescent ministry, i was intrigued to read that this behavior is at its peak during the young teen years. the author focuses all of her research on girls from 5th grade through 9th grade, with the "sweet spot" (bad choice of words, i suppose) between 11 and 14.here's one particular paragraph i found fascinating: at first glance, the stories of girls not being allowed to eat at the lunch table, attend a party, put their sleeping bag in the middle, or squeeze inside a circle of giggling girls may seem childish. yet as carol gilligan has shown, relationships play an unusually important role in girls' social development. in her work with girls and boys, she found that girls perceive danger in their lives as isolation, especially the fear that by standing out they will be abandoned. boys, however, describe danger as a fear of entrapment or smothering. this contrast, gilligan argues, shows that women's development "points toward a diffrerent history of human attachment, stressing continuity and change instead of replacement and seperation. the primacy of relationship and attachment in the female life also indicates a different experience of and response to loss. the centrallity of relationship to girls' lives all but guarantees a different landscape of aggression and bullying, with its own distinctive features worthy of seperate study.

The writing is exquisite, but the subject matter is gut-retching: girl aggression. I loved the way the author used language to emphasize the seriousness of what she is communicating: “girl version of a stealth bomber” (p 69), “silent and smooth as a marble” (p75), “conflicts hang like leaking gas in the air” (p 69). As I read the book and its truth hit me, all I could think is, “How did I survive?” and “This is why I am how I am”. My reaction seems similar to the author’s and some of the person’s she includes in her book. It seems that many of us—girls and grown women—have reached the same conclusions as a result of the aggressive behavior we experienced as students: we stopped trusting parents (p53) and other authority figures such as teachers; we don’t trust women (p. 55); we believe that people can and do erase people (p79); and, school can’t be trusted to protect its students (p115). The author reveals that females aren’t taught how to create relationships nor are we taught that conflict is natural. We aren't taught that there are mean people and toxic friends/relationships. The basic problem seems to be that girls/women are taught to be one way, but, in the real world, an opposite way is required. The author spends two chapters giving detailed instruction and examples of how parents can help their daughters deal with hidden aggression. She, also, discusses how teachers can spot and deal with covert aggression. She writes about modern day instruments of torture: FaceBook, sexting and other means of delivering attacks. All parents, no matter how perfect they think their daughters or the schools of their daughters, need to carefully read, and then use the information given in this book. Doing this could save their daughters much concern and possible damage.

This book illuminates the invisible bullying that occurs among girls and manipulation and social pressures associated with cliques, why they form and generally the mechanics of female interpersonal dynamics in adolescents.The desire to be accepted and the fear of rejection alongside the passivity and indirect paths that aggression takes when girls are pressured to maintain a facade of kindness with one another.

In this sensitively-written book, Rachel Simmons studies girl bullies and their victims, sometimes in excrutiating detail.THE BEST PART of the book are the practical tips on combating bullying, with suggestions for educators, parents and daughters.Simmons uses personal accounts to illustrate the issues and difficulties of addressing them. She also reveals a class difference in bullying: working-class girls combat it more effectively than middle-class girls do, because they openly challenge the bullies.One shocking aspect of bullying is that most teachers seem unaware of it. In many cases, teachers are unable to stop it, due to the sly nature of girls' bullying.However, it can be stopped, or at least reduced. My mother, a teacher in the 1960s, had a girl bully in her class. After three parents complained of the bully's treatment of their daughters, Mom separated that girl from the other students, placing her desk several feet away from the group, near the teacher's desk, facing away from the class. She accompanied the girl to lunch and kept her in the classroom at recess. Problem solved.But ... even in an enlightened school with anti-bullying policies already in place, educators may be slow to act. The burden of reporting and follow-up remains on the victim's parents.If the school fails to deal with the bully, and if the victim cannot develop ways to combat the bullying, the best solution may be to transfer the bullied child to another school. No child should have to suffer from bullying.

With a 5 year old daughter, I wanted to understand her already complex relationship with her friends. This book, while about older kids, has been a great resource to help me see relational aggression from the child's point of view. I've recommended this book to many other parents and will continue to do so.The final chapter has some suggestions on how to help parent your child through these situations. There are also quotes from children about what they find helpful from their parents.

As relevant to adult women as to school-age girls.My library copy went back today but I just had to buy another to re-read.

A must read for any mother of a daughter or a woman in search of herself -at any age. Provided many 'aha' moments and provided insight on a childhood endured 50 years ago. This book explains girl society and female bullying in a clear-headed, objective style. Not just a by-woman-for-women only read. Adds depth and perception to an overlooked aspect of female behaviour and interaction that has profound effect and echoes throughout a female's Kidd span. Very illuminating and informative and sadly, a one of a kind. This aspect of female behaviour warrants so much more exploration.

An excellent resource for the elementary counselling office! This is a book I keep in my personal library and often recommend to parents .

As a mother of an 'odd girl out' at last i have something to relate to! Im not going mad!