The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

Great book. Having my wife and daughter read it too. Easy to read and good information.

"Real fear is a signal intended to be very brief, a mere servant of intuition. But though few would argue that extended, unanswered fear is destructive, millions choose to stay there. They may have forgotten or never learned that fear is not an emotion like sadness or happiness, either of which might last a long while. It is not a state, like anxiety. True fear is a signal that sounds only in the presences of danger yet unwarranted fear has assumed a power over us that it holds over no other creature on earth." ~ Pg. 277 I want to get this straight: this isn't a book, it's the script of a Criminal Minds episode. Okay, not really, but it feels like it. This nonfiction book is written with beautiful prose that reads like fiction and kept me turning page after page, like I needed to know what happened next, even though I've heard or read previously about most of the cases enlisted. It is compelling, if one word must describe it. A gripping (not to mention enlightening) look into violence, intuition and the human mind, all in 300 pages. Gavin De Becker goes in depth into many things through the course of this book. In the first chapters we explore not fear (the title is slightly deceiving) but instead the things surrounding fear and violence. Chapters one through six explore many topics including danger, intuition, violence and prediction. It is a valuable and fascinating tool, not only into the monster that all humans are capable of being but also into the human psyche in general. Throughout the remaining chapters, Becker delves into specific acts and aspects of violence and violent crimes (not only based off of the cases he has worked but based also on his personal experience) including but not limited too: people who can't say no, violence in the workplace (no, not just post offices), domestic violence, date stalking, violent children (thanks, for reminding me to be afraid of people my own age), and attacks against public figures. Probably the most interesting aspect of this book isn't the crime it explores, but the aspect of one's self that is explored. Including (but not limited too): how to learn to listen to yourself, learning that intuition isn't feminine, the differences between panic, anxiety, worry and fear (thought they were all the same thing, didn't ya?), and learning to differentiate between real and imagined threats. Oh, and we learn quite a bit about threats too. Ultimately, this book left me wanting to read it again, wanting to get everyone around me to read it and wanting to sit down for a chat with Gavin De Becker and ask him "what can you tell me about me?" but knowing better.

Read it and pay attention. Memorize the pins. Internalize the examples. Apply them to everything similar you encounter. They're *that* valuable. DeBecker says there are always indicators when violence lies ahead. By "violence," he sometimes means any harmful situation. One example he gives is a mother who felt uncomfortable when her child was going into surgery. Still, she told herself it would work out. And then her child died. Later, she went over the red flags that should have sent her looking for another doctor. So some examples are not about violence specifically, but are about events that are just as unfortunate and unsafe. Life is full of these situations, and there are clues at the ready if you pay attention to your instincts. You'll get a feeling, a persistent thought, discomfort with someone or maybe a sense of uneasiness in an environment. Sometimes you'll just notice something when you ordinarily would not. There's a reason. As DeBecker says, "violence is predictable." He tells us not to talk ourselves out of small clues, but to respect them for the teachers and lifesavers that they are. He also tells us to stop worrying about being "polite." Discomfort with respect to possibly offending someone is a characteristic, or weakness, predators look for in victims. Since first reading the book in 1997, I can think of specific instances when important clues presented themselves through my intuitive awareness. One of them was as simple as a mechanic misleading me so he could collect an easy fee. So the second most important lesson I have learned is to always apply what the book teaches. The one time you dismiss a signal might end up being the time you should have been most alert. Remember, it always seems more convenient to dismiss warnings. A consistent refusal to do that will reward you in many, many ways that will be apparent after events have passed. If your instincts are signaling that something is just not right...stop...think...say no...complete a transaction after thinking for a few days. Move away from someone who makes you uncomfortable. Don't get into the elevator. Whatever the situation, just don't ignore your instincts. Everything DeBecker says is right on target and the truth of his advice will be even more clear during the months and years after completing the book. As you become aware of situations where you stopped, or should have, to think something through, it will sharpen your instincts. This is a book worth rereading every year and using as a reference. The knowledge will help greatly whenever you're in a situation that immediately causes alarm or that tugs at the corners of your mind later. Regular reinforcement and application of the material are important to keep it at the forefront of your mind. Situations in which we need it most are never expected.

Gavin de Becker’s The Gift of Fear dives deep into the role of intuition as a survival tool, providing practical strategies to recognize, understand, and respond to potential threats before they escalate. As a top expert on violent behavior, de Becker offers not only theoretical insights but also actionable steps for a variety of scenarios, such as responding to a stranger’s approach, handling potential workplace aggression, dealing with anonymous threats, and understanding the risks associated with people close to us. The book goes beyond simple safety tips; de Becker emphasizes the importance of listening to our instincts and understanding fear not as a weakness but as a signal. The real-life examples he shares, whether about his celebrity clients, government work, or individuals in everyday situations, bring these concepts to life and underscore that everyone, regardless of background, can benefit from a heightened awareness of their environment. His guidance on dealing with stalking—an area of personal relevance to me—was particularly helpful, offering reassurance and practical steps to help manage and respond to this kind of threat effectively. One of the most striking aspects is his breakdown of fear itself—its evolutionary purpose and how anxiety, perseverance, and intuition intertwine to create an internal alert system. De Becker's explanations give readers a powerful perspective on managing fear rather than being controlled by it. His insights on common mistakes in handling threatening individuals, such as ignoring warning signs or downplaying uncomfortable feelings, are essential reminders to trust our gut. For women, especially, this book is invaluable in distinguishing friendly gestures from potential threats and avoiding overly polite responses that may ignore our instincts. It’s not only about spotting a predator but also about understanding the nuances of human behavior and violence—a fascinating look into what drives violent traits and how fear serves as an intuitive signal for self-protection. While de Becker’s repetition of some ideas might seem excessive, it reinforces the key points he wants readers to remember. The structure could perhaps be more concise in places, but the value of each chapter far outweighs these minor critiques. His anecdotes and clear guidelines create a book that is both practical and deeply informative—a must-read for anyone interested in personal safety, self-defense, and the psychology of violence.

One of the best reads. A gift for every female in your life . Better yet Men should read this too. BE AWARE

Questo libro, pienissimo di contenuti, dovrebbe essere insegnato a scuola, almeno dalle medie, inizio del periodo in cui i giovani e le giovani escono e socializzano, e purtroppo anche del periodo in cui iniziano a rischiare. Anche per gli adulti è importante, sia in ambito sociale che lavorativo. Questo libro è una delle risposte che do quando sento qualcuno fare vittimismo su se stesso/a.

Really good book for females. Highly recommend!

A great book for everyone to read but especially women. Always, always trust your intuition. Great practical advice on how to navigate toxic individuals as well as real life experiences.