The Four Tendencies [Paperback] [Jan 01, 2017] Gretchen Rubin

Dave, Debbie, and Di are siblings. They each have their own unique appearance, but when you see them standing near each other, you know, instantly, that they belong together. That’s how it is with Gretchen Rubin’s books. Each one is distinctive and has a unique message, but when you read more than one, you understand that they all go together. The latest book in that collection is The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (And Other People’s Lives Better, Too). If you noted “personality types” in the title and figured this is yet another book about personality types that are based on Jungian psychology, you’re in luck. It’s not. In fact, I’m not sure that “personality types” is even the right description for what Gretchen Rubin calls “tendencies.” They don’t come from psychology at all. They grew out of an insightful answer to a puzzling question. Here’s how Rubin describes it in the book. “And here was my crucial insight: Depending on a person’s response to outer and inner expectations, that person falls into one of four distinct types: Upholders respond readily to both outer expectations and inner expectations Questioners question all expectations; they meet an expectation only if they believe it’s justified, so in effect they respond only to inner expectations Obligers respond readily to outer expectations but struggle to meet inner expectations Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike.” The first part of the book describes how that insight came about and offers an overview of what she calls the four tendencies. Then, the bulk of the book is devoted to the four sections, one for each of the four tendencies. Each section has a chapter on understanding the tendency and one on dealing with it. Here’s a list of the tendencies, with Rubin’s catch-phrase for each one. Upholder: “Discipline is my freedom” Questioner: “I’ll comply – if you convince me why” Obliger: “You can count on me, and I’m counting on you to count on me” Rebel: “You can’t make me, and neither can I” This book is like Gretchen Rubin’s other books. It’s engaging, and well-written. It’s based on some unique research. There’s a test where you can determine your own tendency. One option is to answer the questions as they appear in the book. The other option is to follow the link to the book website and take the test there. I recommend the latter. It will give you a good idea of where you fit as a primary tendency. Then, as you read the book, you’ll learn a bit about what other tendencies you lean toward. You Probably Won’t Like This Book If… You probably won’t like this book if you don’t like simplified presentations of complex subjects. Some people find these sorts of things, especially these 2x2 matrices, helpful. I’m one of them. But I know from talking to my friends and working with my clients that you and I may not see this issue the same way. You probably won’t like this book if you’re searching for hard science of some kind. Yes, there is a large and well thought out survey that underlies the tendencies, but if you’re looking for several academic papers and lots of laboratory research to support what’s here, you’ll be disappointed. You Probably Will Like This Book If… You’ll probably like this book if you’ve liked Gretchen Rubin’s other books. There’s the same common sense melded with experiment and the same engaging writing style. Obviously, you’ll also like this book if you enjoy simplified explanations of complex issues. Ditto if you like 2x2 matrices. You will probably like this book if you try to put some of it to work. Reading some books is like studying history. You can read the book and get the points and increase your knowledge. But other books, and this is one of them, repay some personal real-world trials. In other words, it’s more like learning to swim than it is like learning history. Try out the ideas you get from the book to see if they work for you. If You’re a Coach or Other Helping Professional… If you’re a coach or other helping professional, you should try some things to see if they work for you and with your clients. I work with writers, and I coach people through the book-writing process. The book gave me several ways to help people achieve what they want to achieve. I now know that there are some people that don’t want me as an accountability partner and others who will really appreciate my ability to get projects on track. I’ve always known that there were those differences, but The Four Tendencies gives me a language for talking about them and a template for using them more effectively. In A Nutshell If you are a coach, or a consultant, or a medical professional, or anyone who helps people achieve things they want to achieve, The Four Tendencies should be on your shelf, but don’t just leave it there. Read it. Experiment with what you find. Put it to work.

I really enjoyed this book! I'm a fan of personality types. So this was very interesting to me. I tested as a Rebel and I must say that the chapter on my tendency was quite accurate. There were many aspects of the tendency that nailed me. There were also some aspects that were a bit off the mark though. There were aspects of other tendencies that I could relate very strongly to as well. For example, I can sometimes be a fierce researcher complete with spreadsheets and analytical data and I will take forever to make a decision. ...very typical behavior of the "Questioner" type. Also, I have an extreme difficulty with saying "no". ...very typical behavior of the "Obliger" type. Those are just 2 examples but suffice to say, I kind of was a bit all over the map to a degree. The only type I really didn't relate to at all was "Upholder". As for the other 3 types, it's all VERY situational for me. I will admit that the Rebel tendency does fit me best though and quite a lot of the information was VERY helpful and eye opening for me. I do feel as though I am a Rebel first and foremost. I do still feel as though there is SOME crossover between the types though and the author does seem to acknowledge that. So I don't believe that I can say that I disagree with the author's point of view. It's funny too because I always saw myself as easy going but this book actually helped me see that I can actually be quite combative and resistant in my own very unique way. I also got a lot of great ideas on how to better deal with the things in my life that regularly trip me up. For example, I struggle with finding ways to get through mundane tasks at work and there are some really creative methods suggested for this and other typical Rebel difficulties. I got a lot of great suggestions to help me actually WANT to do the things I sometimes struggle to find the motivation to push through. So, in that regard it was very helpful and I'm excited to try some of these ideas out. One interesting thing I want to share is how this book helped me pinpoint my older brother's type. He is clearly an Upholder. Him and I sometimes struggle to see eye to eye and this book really helped me see why. His Upholder tendencies and my Rebel tendencies cause us to drive each other crazy whenever we have to join together to accomplish a goal. We get along great when we're just having fun and this book really opened my eyes as to why these difficulties exist for the specific situations and why they do not apply for others. There is also an Upholder at work that just drives me absolutely nuts and I suspect that I do the same to him. This book helped open my eyes to that situation as well. So, I really feel as though the ideas behind these tendencies certainly have a lot of validity, value, and use in the real world. Speaking of Upholders and Rebels, I have to applaud the author for taking the time and effort to understand the Rebels. That is likely a difficult feat, yet she was able to be open minded enough to see the value and motivations behind the Rebels in a positive light. I find it especially admirable knowing that the author herself is an Upholder and she was able to see the positive in the Rebels. I imagine us Rebels can be a pain in the butt from time to time. I know we can be difficult.... BUT, and I can't speak for all Rebels, I truly do mean well. I want to be responsible. I want to be reliable. I want to be agreeable. ...The key word is "want". I think that is the key for any Rebel. As the author says ...we do what we want. That may sound superficial or selfish out of context, but some of us Rebels want things that are bigger than ourselves. Some of us simply want those that we love to be happy, or we want to do some good in this world. I think the author did a pretty good job of conveying that deeper and rather hidden motivation that many of us Rebels feel passionately about. This sort of "want" may be why some of us Rebels can relate to the tendencies of other types such as the Obligers. Our "wants" may coincide with what other tendency's natural inclinations. ...at least that's my take on it all. I think I went on a tangent there, but I think the point is that this book has the potential to really open your mind and get your thinking pretty deep about human behavior, motivations, and relationships with people that are important to you. In a nutshell ...it's definitely worth a read. It was money well spent and I highly recommend you picking up a copy, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

I felt like this book had a clear and powerful thesis regarding how people are motivated, which led to insights about how to motivate yourself and others. But honestly, I didn't make it all the way to the end of the book, because I felt like the primary thesis was sufficiently covered in the first half of the book. Totally worth getting, yes, but perhaps a missed opportunity to spread out into related theoretical territory.

This question tells you a lot about The Four Tendencies. Gretchen Rubin has explored this topic in her earlier book Better Than Before and her podcast Happier. Here she goes in depth about people's response to inner and outer expectations. She herself is an Upholder, which means she responds to both outer and inner expectations. This means she is equally able to meet a deadline as well as change a habit for herself like not eating sugar anymore. When she wrote about habit change in Better Than Before, she realized that not everyone was able to change their behavior as easily as she could. As she explored the topic, her sister was a source of insight because she would respond readily to outside expectations like a work deadline but had trouble changing something for herself. Gretchen called this pattern an Obliger and through research discovered this to be the largest tendency. We (I am an Obliger) need accountability to make a change or meet an obligation. My husband and father are both Questioners, who readily meet inner expectations because they make everything into an inner expectation. As the name suggests, they question everything, do lots of research and figure things out for themselves. If something makes sense to them, they do it. If not, then they won't. If I want my husband to do something, I have to give a good reason, and I still have to expect some pushback, because unlike me, he has to know why whereas I will do it because I was asked. In a funny twist, they also question the whole Four Tendency framework. The last tendency is Rebel, the contrary group who won't meet inner or outer expectations, even things they tell themselves to do. Gretchen has great advice for how to help people with this group who can be hard to manage as employees or offspring -- they need to know the choices and the consequences and then they need to be left alone. If you remind them or nag them, they just won't do what you want at all. As an obliger, I find this group very intriguing. This book adds great insight for me; I have fully enjoyed learning even more about the tendencies and the relationships between them. The suggestions about how to best relate and thrive for the differing dynamics are practical and exciting. It is an easy read, but I want to go over it again because there is so much there.

The author opens the book with the observation, “They say there are two kinds of people in the world: those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who don’t… I’m definitely the first kind.” In this case, however, Rubin divides the world into Four Tendencies, which she classifies as Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels, based on how people respond to both inner and outer (external) expectations. The result is a graphic of four overlapping circles. “When I mapped the complete system on a sheet of paper, in four symmetrical overlapping circles, my framework showed the elegance of a fern frond or a nautilus shell.” If you are an Upholder, as the author admits she is, you will undoubtedly agree and will love this book. That’s not to say the rest of us won’t. Or that there is anything wrong with her model. It struck me as valid, as far as it goes. In fairness, she doesn’t claim it is the be all, end all. “No single system can capture human nature in all of its depth and variety.” The author readily acknowledges the appearance of similarity between her framework and other popular models like Myers-Briggs and the Social Styles Model developed by Reid and Merrill. There is a school of science that holds that a claim cannot, by definition, be scientific, if it is not falsifiable. And, by definition, none of these models are. Everyone can be classified into the one of the Four Tendencies if those classifications are far enough up the hierarchy of context. The question is, so what? The author argues that the model will help people to better understand themselves and others that they work with, are married to, etc. And that this is a good thing. I have no quarrel with the utmost importance of either objective. From that perspective this is a great book and is well worth your time and investment. I admit that I personally put a lot of stock in context. Which is why I think, contrary to popular perception, that history has less to teach us than we might imagine. The context is always different. In this case, therefore, while I readily accept that there is a class of people who are full of questions, I am inclined to ask why. And it is here that the value of the book starts to thin out. The book is very well written. You would expect nothing less from someone who was the editor in chief of the Yale Law Review and clerked for a Supreme Court justice. It may be the most methodically structured book I’ve ever read, although I just finished a book where the author speaks through different people, so that perception might be the timing. One thing I did take exception with was the notion that, “Our tendencies are hardwired… We bring these Tendencies into the world with us.” That may be true, but I’m skeptical, in large part, I admit, due to my own world view. I also took umbrage with the comment, “Poor diet, inactivity, alcohol and prescription drug abuse, and smoking are among the leading causes of illness and death in the United States—all behaviors that are within our conscious control.” The truth or falsity of that last statement will turn on her definition of conscious control, of course, but I think the average addict may wince at the suggestion. Imbuing awareness of the Four Tendencies with the power of curing, or even impacting, things like addiction, moreover, is a disservice to the extent that it is not successful and delays the addict’s pursuit of other models of recovery. And there is a downside, I think, to all such simple/straightforward classifications. They can rationalize behaviors that may be ingrained, but not necessarily appropriate in any given circumstance. Many of the testimonials offered by people who have been exposed to the Four Tendencies are essentially, “Now I understand why I do what I do. I’m okay.” To the extent that this contributes to the epidemic of, “I’m okay, you’re the problem” in society today, it will not help to move us collectively forward. The author clearly cautions against such usage of the model, but secondary cautions are never 100% effective. If a journalist subsequently provides a clarification to a previous article, the original misinterpretation will still yield a life of its own in most cases. The bountiful and very supportive testimonials contribute to the perceived accuracy and primacy of the Four Tendencies model. It must be remembered, however, that this is not the equivalent of peer-reviewed research. The testimonials are handpicked. All told, the Four Tendencies may help some people to understand themselves and others around themselves better. This, however, should be a springboard to greater self-reflection, not an excuse with which to rationalize actions that contribute to disfunction in the workplace or home.

This book thoroughly explains the four tendencies, which Gretchen introduced in an earlier book. I think that discovering these and explaining them in an easy-to-understand way is no less than pure genius! Those familiar with Steven Covey's time manager (Urgent/Important, Urgent/Not Important, etc.) will catch on right away to the grid concept. There are only 4 possibilities, and everyone fits into one of them. Hard to believe I know, but true. Recognizing these tendencies has explained so much and opened my eyes to understanding my own behavior and that of others. This is not about boxing people in with labels. It's truly about providing information that facilitates more thoughtful behavior and sets us free to work with our own deep-seated patterns and to live our lives with less friction and more success. I highly recommend this book and both of Gretchen's happiness books. My favorite though is Better Than Before. That one goes into a lot of subcategories that fall under all of the tendencies. Like are you an over-buyer or an under-buyer, abstainer or moderator? Things that you might never have thought of, but really explain a lot. My recommendation is to get both books and read Better Than Before first. Then take a deep dive with this book. Although this book does stand on its own. Also fun to read the Happiness books and start your own Happiness Project this coming January. Listen to Gretchen's podcast "Happier" and get on her mailing list. I don't think a day goes buy that I don't apply something I learned from Gretchen (or her sister Liz, with whom she does the podcast). Great, great material. Don't miss out on it. I have had so many "Ah-Ha" experiences from it as I observe myself and others - I just can't tell you! You will wonder how you ever lived without knowing this stuff.

If you chat with me for more than a second, I’ll reference the premise of this book! It serves as a very functional touchstone for resolving relationship difficulties with others and yourself! Seeing myself as a Rebel Tendency has made more sense of many of my life’s challenges and difficulties than so many lenses. I’m really grateful for this book and recommend it to all. It seems like a simple perhaps cute self-help book, but I believe it contains concepts that could greatly help not only families, societies, but ourselves. (Rebels unite! Do not be convinced of your brokenness haha!! ;) Much Love, Zephyr

I used this book in one of my communications classes with undergraduate students to supplement the section on learning to communicate with others effectively, particularly in work and romantic relationships. A lot of the material addressed long-term committed partner relationships and parent/child relationships that was useful to me personally but not as important to the young adults. Sharing the insights on work relationships was particularly useful as I am familiar with what the students will encounter after they leave University and hopefully some of it will stick when they find themselves with an Upholder who runs the office with an iron fist or a Questioner who may seem to be challenging authority but is really just trying to produce the best possible product. I found the most valuable tendencies to understand were the Rebel and the Obliger. Both are not internally motivated and much of what we see in mass media for achieving goals (i.e. Make lists! Know your steps to success! Follow these rules!) does not resonate with them. I found it a helpful touchstone but the book needs to accompany a larger spectrum of personality profiles to understand all the dynamics in Interpersonal Relationships. The author clearly indicates this is just one way of understanding each other - and I did find it useful.

I was first introduced to this book from a friend. I ordered on amazon to ensure speedy delivery. That did not disappoint. This book came before the expected date. I’ve since used this book to better understand and adapt my approach with many people in my life. I really liked how thorough the author was at explaining the different personality types. I really liked that she also pairs different personality types and explains the foundations and breakdowns of these relationships. It’s given me great patience with people in my life and allowed me to nourish my own boundaries and expectations. Highly recommend this book to anyone who’s in a journey of self discovery and nurturing the relationships in their lives.

I have always had some issues in understanding why some people are the way they are (myself included) and this book really gives some perspective on the topic. And also some useful tips on how to deal with different tendencies. For myself (as a rebel) this book has been mind-blowing. I absolutely recommend it.

What a book, after read it we start to see people in different way. I think that is a nice book to "intermediate" english students.

I loved this book and learned a lot about myself and others. It gives you insights into how we meet expectations, how to use the strenghts of our tendencies to our advantage and how to overcome the difficulties.

This book has brought me so much relief and persoective. So many things that annoyed me all my life make sense now. This book explains the 4 tendencies that shape a lot in how we show up in the world (or not) and knowing the information in here, we are given back the tools of choice over why we do or don't do something and understanding why we might have struggled all this time. A quick and excellent read.