APE VS. MONSTER

So. This was a movie. It was a movie made by Asylum films. That’s something to say about this movie. It might not look like it, but it sure was created by the same studio that made Lavalantula.Um. What to say.Uh. Linda makes no sense even slightly as a character. First of all what on EARTH does she study. Secondly. Linda, he is a chimpanzee. He has killed thousands. Why are you continuing to defend him as though he is a pure child who has done know wrong just LET THE SEXIST MILITARY MAN SHOOT THE MONKEY.Not a SINGLE emotional beat in this movie was even remotely earned. The father character comes in and has some extremely horrendously written lines (who WROTE this we just want to talk) and then like… she forgives him??? And I don’t know what’s happening and none of us know what’s happening and there’s a spaceship remote controlling the ape and lizard???Side note, the main military phone guy keeps saying Gila monster like “gee luh” and it’s slowly killing me.The music is. I have a composition major in chat who I think will probably write their own review entirely about the soundtrack not gonna lie. Actually no, and I quote “I don’t have the emotional patience for that.” So that should tell you something.Eva was a main character for the first half of the movie then apparently steals a helicopter and TELEPORTS AWAY and then in no where to be seen until the end of the film where she (spoilers) crashes the helicopter into the monster which proceeds to do absolutely nothing and then is not acknowledged by anyone.What even is the timeline. Cold War and Putin Did Not Interact. Why was WWII brought up at all. We expect fake science and questionable geography/timelines in these movies but at least stay consistent in-universe??? Every new concept they introduced just broke us a little more it just kept DOING THINGS.The monsters fight for about 20 seconds total at the very end if that’s what you’re here for, by the way. It’s extraordinarily anticlimactic. But like. The entire movie is just so much of a movie that it’s almost not a movie.It’s worth mentioning that Amazon deleted this review twice before I could publish it and I am now typing this in Google Docs. There’s so much to say about this movie and yet it’s already bleeding out of my head at warp speed.2/5 for sheer entertainment value and that’s literally it, if you want to scream at your screen for an hour and a half this is the movie for you. We wanted it to end but not in the same way as Mega Piranha or Birdemic so at least it has that.Asylum hire us as writers challenge.

When one sees it is from Asylum, automatically one lowers expectations. For even a low budget film, the CGI is terrible. But quickly, the total lunacy of the film becomes more and more hilarious. One could write a book on the plot holes, but I will provide just some of them. In a joint Bush-Putin secret mission, a chimp is sent into space. 30 years later the capsule lands, and out comes the chimp, who was subjected to an alien goo. So 30 years in space. That had to be some oxygen and food supply. Some of the goo falls off the capsule, and a gila monster laps it up. The Chimp becomes huge, and the gila monster starts to look more like that lizard that attacks Japan. Since the team that goes to the capsule is carrying an animal tranquilizer, they capture the chimp, named Abraham. There is also maniac General who is avidly anti-Russian, who wears a uniform bereft of any Star showing rank, and too few medals to be a general anyway. Some of the investigators seem to be in bio-hazard suits with face masks, pouring the alien goo with bare hands (no gloves.) At this point in the movie, things are just absurd, but they quickly turn to total lunacy. I expected a terrible movie, and normally would have a problem giving this two stars, but it is so absurdly funny, I have to give it four stars. Some low budget films are so bad they are funny. This movie is not only very bad, it is more than funny.

Movie was not bad

I generally get a kick out of these "creature features", due in part to the bad acting and cheap CGI. Some of them are unintentionally but hilariously bad like Sharknado or Megapython vs Gatoroid, while others are made with no thought of trying to be any good. This movie falls into the latter camp.*****************Plot/Spoilers*****************A joint US/Russia space capsule, originally launched in 1985 but thought lost in 2007, lands in New Mexico. The chimpanzee inside soon breaks out, leaving behind a green slime substance. A gila monster eats some of the slime. Both animals soon grow to an enormous size. Multiple attempts to stop the creatures by US and Russian scientists and military fail. The monsters eventually get to Washington DC, and fight to the death.*****************The plot is rather predictable, like most of these movies. The CGI is fine, but nothing great. The real issue I had was none of the actors did much more than go through the motions. Even Eric Roberts, my favorite drunk on set sci fi actor, couldn't pull this one up. Though, I do have to comment that Roberts didn't appear to be under the influence to the same degree as some of his other entries in this genre (I'm looking at you, Sharktopus). There weren't any really memorable lines either.In sum, if you get into giant monster type movies and have low standards, this isn't a terrible way to spend about 90 minutes. However, there are better choices.

Item One: Asylum Productions, so an automatic loss of three stars for crappy writing, acting and effects.Item Two: Plot continuity? "We don't need no stinkin' plot (at all)"Item Three: Stupid enough to laugh at, which gets one star back.As bad as it is in nearly every respect, it is worth the time to pick it apart and turn those tidbits in to IMDB to see your contributions added to the trivia section also.

You can tell the effects budget only had money for about 5 seconds of footage. That's about how much the creatures appear on screen. The rest of this is weirdly tight closeups so that you can't tell where anyone is, or if they're even in the same room. I expected bad, but this is badx5

With someone who knows how to put a story line together it could have been good.Smoke/fog in a conference room why? Walking amlesly in the desert on a Sunday hike reminiscing? The gay commic relief doesn't work, its just dumb, poor directing and poor lines.CG was ok and filming. Get a new writter and director.

Ape Vs Monster, is a very likeable film. Ripped off Godzilla Vs Kong, but it's a good film in its own right.

Wish I could watch this movie but it can't be played on DVD players in North America.There is no region listed here.