The Heart of the Fight: A Couple's Guide to Fifteen Common Fights, What They Really Mean, and How They Can Bring You Closer

The Heart of the Fight is an essential resource for my work with couples. As a psychotherapist and relationship coach I often work with clients who are in the midst of conflict. This book provides them with research-tested rules of engagement that lead to productive resolution of issues and deepening of their affection and intimacy with one another.Rule #1: Each person can get no more than 50% of the blame for what’s happening, and needs to take 100% responsibility for their satisfaction in the relationship. This ensures that each person looks at their own part in whatever issue they are facing, and does their own work that naturally leads to a mutually fulfilling resolution. Other rules include: Always fight for something, not against. Always agree with the Truth. Assume good will on the part of your partner.The book is much more than a guide for how to fight effectively, though it certainly provides a lot of great insights in that area. It is a must read for all couples who want to better understand how their couple relationship can help each of them become their best selves by fighting for what they most deeply yearn for – individually and together.

I actually think this book is way more than for couples. As a business owner I know the fights with my wife might be louder, but in a growing company like mine fights happen all the time. Last week I had a meeting with my long time closest and most important vendor. I used what I learned in the Heart of the Fight to work out a solution that was better than I could have imagined. The 7 Rules of Engagement might be the most important business guide today. At home, with more emotions being expressed it feels like we bounce between a truce and all out war. This book helps just cut through the crowd and noise and the outer world and we can fight towards really being with each other and not just cohabitation. Peace is not the goal (fake goal) any more, being genuine and intimate is.

Heart of the Fight completely changed my mind about what makes a great relationship - and i am so grateful. The idea that fighting for something can lead to deeper connection and greater intimacy is a bit mind-blowing. It gives me hope that a real relationship can survive and be strengthened by both the fun stuff and the tough stuff. The seven rules of engagement have been a powerful tool that i have used to shift the way I interact with people - at work and socially. The rules of "assuming good will" and "acknowledging the truth, always" have been particularly useful to me to help me shift out of defensiveness and anxiety.

This book is awesome for not just couples but singles too. I am single and navigating the dating world, and this book gets REAL about what to look for and expect in a relationship. So many dating books I have read are all about “manifesting" and “game” like behavior to attract your future spouse, but “Heart of the Fight” breaks down the myth of a “good relationship” and helps navigate on how to create one for yourself. I love the idea and vision in the book, that through a relationship we can actually transform ourselves. I love what the author's hold possible for relationships in "The Heart of the Fight." There is also a lot to learn and a lot of practical takeaways from this book. I highly recommend it for anyone searching for love or improving a relationship.

The Heart of the Fight is a must-read book for all couples. My husband and I have been married for 22 years. Like many couples we put a great deal of attention and focus on our children and got stuck in the day-to-day logistics. Somewhere along the way we lost “us” and realized that within a few short years we would be empty nesters. We wanted to find a way to reconnect and re-join the pieces of “us” that fell by the wayside over the years. This book opened our mind and helped us learn ways to re-engage, connect and fight constructively. We learned to talk with more intention, how to address past hurts and move towards a more authentic thriving relationship. The book is easy to read with step-by step exercises designed to increase meaningful connections and deepen our relationship.

Heart of the Fight is a go-to guide for taking any relationship to the next level - whether it is personal or business related. There is wisdom to glean for everyone - whether it's the type of fight you call familiar, or how you continue to get stuck in the same conflict patterns (or avoid it). Heart of The Fight introduced me to cutting-edge research on adult relationships, and why choosing to engage rather than avoid conflict can be helpful. I was introduced to concepts including self-validated intimacy, attachment theory and how it is related to choosing our partners, neuroscience, emotional intelligence, and developmental psychology. The Wright's relationship continuum is also a great roadmap to assess what conversations are satisfying or unsatisfying in any encounter - see for yourself where you fall on it in most of your conversations.

The Heart of the Fight has given me a new perspective on fighting with my wife, providing an inspiring new perspective on the positive value, purpose, and potential of fighting, revealing what’s possible when we fight FOR what we yearn for, and not just AGAINST what hurt us or what we’re angry or fearful about. Fights with my wife that used to go nowhere often now lead to deeper knowledge and understanding of each other, even laughing or crying together.

I have been reading this book along side my hubby. With small kids we sometimes do not get out for date nights as often as we would like. We have been scheduling "date nights" in our bed and will read the book together. I can tell you that we have had more honest communication with each other since we started reading this book together. I can also tell you that the conversations are far better in bed over this book than going out to dinner talking over wine and food. It is nice getting to know my hubby better and even arguing about what we argue about!