Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (The Dr. Sue Johnson Collection, 1)

I have absolutely no connection with the author, only a desire to contribute to others. Curious as to who writes these reviews, I'm 56, male, my wife surprised me by divorcing me after a 20 year marriage, and have two children in college. I have two graduate degrees and read a far amount of self-help books. Sue Johnson's book may truly be the best relationship book I've ever read, as it will forever change my understanding of relationships for the better. This book is interesting and clear, balancing anecdotes with straightforward descriptions of her conceptual observations. According to Johnson, she gained her novel and deep insights from watching, and watching and re-watching videos of couples struggling in therapy using the best previously known tools. She listened to couples describe their relationship using "life and death" language. The existing tools, such as analysis and insights regarding childhood relationships, how to be reasonable, mirroring listening skills, and negotiation training, didn't seem to work. Building on others' insights, Johnson came up with what she calls EFT: "Emotionally Focused Therapy." The thesis is that all people, including successful intellectuals, seek at the core of their relationship emotional attachment and safety. There are key negative and positive emotional moments that define the relationship. Seems mundane, but yet as I read the book, I found myself getting so many gems and Ah-Ha's that my copy is now underlined with post-its sticking out the side. I got tremendous insight, not only into my pain and struggles and my girlfriend's, but tools on how to repair emotional injuries and connect better. The book is composed of seven conversations that are aimed at encouraging a special kind of emotional responsiveness described as the key to lasting love for couples. This emotional responsiveness has three main components with the acronym "ARE:" Accessibility (Can I reach you?); Responsiveness (Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?); & Engagement (Do I know you will value me and stay close?) Johnson claims great success with therapy using the EFT model and I believe it. She describes three typical patterns that couples often get stuck in: (1) Find the Bad Guy; (2) The Protest Polka; and (3) Freeze and Flee. The first and third are pretty self-descriptive. Johnson describes The Protest Polka as the most widespread and ensnaring, involves one person reaching out, albeit in a negative way, the other person withdrawing and the pattern repeating. I immediately saw that I often play the role of the protester, trying to get a reassuring connection, followed by feeling worse when my partner withdraws. I'm now more than two-thirds through this book and am now finishing the chapter on the fifth conversation--Forgiving Injuries. Even if the remainder of this book is dribble, what I've read so far leaves me confident recommending it. On a side note, I've been trained in Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communications," also known as NVC, or "Compassionate Communications." Raised by two science oriented parents, I became a husband, father and attorney that was clueless regarding emotions. I believed that negative emotions were enemies and obstacles to higher living. When I stumbled across NVC around the age of 40, I suddenly learned, for the first time in my life, the very helpful role of negative emotions, and now consider them to be good friends, albeit still challenging. Negative emotions provide indicators of the needs that are wanting. NVC helped me tremendously and heartily recommend that as well. I have the 2008 version of "Hold Me Tight; Seven Conversations . . . " by Sue Johnson

I just finished this book and I am left sitting here speechless. If you are having relationship problems with your significant other or you want to become a better potential partner for someone, this is a MUST READ! The book is filled with examples from couples that highlight the conversations to be had. It is filled with references to other noteworthy subject matter experts and their books. I am adding this book to my personal library to return to every so often to remember these conversations! It’s so good!!

I highly recommend this book for anyone seeking to improve their relationship, especially for those who feel caught in cycles of fighting that seem irreparable. Johnson has research-approved strategies for understanding yourself and your partner and re-establishing a loving and secure connection. She does a great job of including the underlying psychology of relationships, easy-to-understand explanations of emotions and relationship dynamics, examples of other couples to help show her point, and practical tips for improving your own relationship. The book includes a lot of questions and activities for couples to work through together, which have been instrumental in helping my partner and I reconnect and mend rifts. I have a background in psychology and spend a lot of time trying to understand myself and my relationships, so many relationship books have felt too elementary and basic for me. Johnson notes that most relationship advice focuses on communication - how to construct your words perfectly to avoid ruffling feathers - which does little to resolve underlying issues. Research on traditional couples therapy also shows pretty abysmal results. In contrast, Johnson's method, which was revolutionary at the time, focuses instead on your feelings of connection, safety, and trust. It doesn't matter exactly how you frame things if you feel safe and loved by your partner. Her method is backed by research - there are some pretty astounding numbers showing that her method works to improve relationships! My personal experience backs these statistics - my partner and I are fighting less, we have a stronger foundation, we understand each other so much better, and our love feels deeper and stronger. When we do feel a bit stuck, we turn to the book and Johnson offers us a way out. Instead of ending arguments feeling bitter, disconnected, and resentful, we wind up feeling more connected and loving. Thank you Sue Johnson!

I recommend this book for those who need a bit more perspective on why they get in such crazy fights, or who have a tendency to devalue their marriage: I am glad I read a fair amount and got my husband to read just as much but we did get bogged down after a while and did not finish it. We scored incredibly low on the ARE questionnaire (0 and 2) at first which was rather discouraging but we have improved since then: remember that a low score is not just a reflection on the recipient but on the overall quality of the relationship and the giver's willingness to trust the recipient. (Another person may score you much higher.) After having this book for 9 months (and still needing help) I purchased a different one: Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship by Mark Goulston: it finishes the job as far as I am concerned. Personally I liked the use of the acronym CREATE to organize the book:(Chemistry,Respect, Enjoyment, Acceptance, Trust and Empathy). It gets to the heart of what is most important quickly and can be read and used much more quickly than Hold Me Tight. In Six Secrets, each chapter covers its subject thoroughly with a variety of approaches to dealing with each problem and a good description of the most common array of difficulties. The organization allows you to skip to the areas of greatest concern as I did. Empathy is encouraged throughout but delved into more deeply near the end. If one's spouse is resistant to marriage books then you can read it by yourself (like I did) and still find it quite helpful. It urges spouses who are getting disrespect (me) to stick up for themselves in a dignified manner while doing what it takes to foster their own self-respect, just what I needed: the examples help one to see how much this can improve the situation while giving perspective as to why we may be stuck. The chapter on empathy showed how to provide empathy when needed but also how to stick up for oneself. I had already taken some measures but this helped me finish the job: it works. The Six Secrets book not only helps one confront disrespect but also helps one to confront one's own character defects which may be leading to disrespect. The book gives a good list of such defects: I could easily see how I had played a role in my disrespect and how my spouse played a role in my disrepect of him. Seeing these causes spelled out made it much easier for me to address them. I loved the following passage from Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship on p286 to be used after a husband comes home in a foul mood from work and the wife uses empathy to help him get a grip: He should not be given a free pass no matter how compassionate your empathy makes you feel. After you've defused the situation and made him feel understood, look him in the eye and say, "You know, when bad things happen at work, I'd really appreciate it if you don't take it out on me. I'm on your side." My only complaint is that Six Secrets lets those who disrespect their spouses off the hook too easily, saying they should just leave if they can't come up with such respect, when in some cases their values seem quite skewed. I think he could have questioned those values more, in such a case I would definitely recommend the book Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson because it lays out much more clearly what one stands to lose. Hold Me Tight might also help if there is some unresolved pain from the past but Six Secrets of a Lasting Relationship may get to the same place more quickly. I do think that both books could cover gender differences more thoroughly, especially the differences in style when it comes to apologies, but I had already had those differences covered by a counselor and was very ready for these books which place far less emphasis on gender differences, my husband and I both probably have high testosterone levels, so chemistry wasn't a problem but fighting was. We are also reversed from the norm when it comes to focus vs. multitasking so the gender focused books did not have a great deal of appeal. I especially take issue with those which imply that women do not need respect as much as men. Six Secrets shows that eventually disrespect will rebound on a spouse so if men do need more respect they had better not be dishing out disrespect. It divides up the respect issue fairly well between the sexes with examples of disrespect in both sexes and it was easy to see myself in the disrespected person's shoes regardless of gender. It could probably use a few more examples of women behaving badly in the trust department since that seems to be tilted against men but I'll admit that I haven't read the whole thing yet and in any case, it does cover the measures which may be needed to restore trust (while not guaranteeing its restoration).

Life changing if you take it seriously. My husband and my marriage improved light years after reading this together. I’ve recommended it to every couple I know. It’s changed the way we see each other and communicate when life is hard. How salty might reread it soon.

I recommend Hold Me Tight to my therapy clients constantly. My clients say repeatedly, "Our fights are in this book on page...." I have read literally dozens of popular couple and family books over 30 years and this is the best at addressing feelings of closeness, connection and chronic repetitive fights or deadening and withdrawal in the relationship. Readers connect to the book. Resolving the issues of feeling connected, your partner having your back, feeling alive in your partner's mind frees a couple to communicate and resolve long-standing issues quickly. Johnson also works with Gay and Lesbian couples, and this book seems to talk to their experience as well. Often couples fight when they don't feel their relationship is solid. This book really speaks to clients and is the best explanation of the complicated "attachment issues." This book brings that concept to life and makes it clear. By illuminating how to go through the seven core conversations she helps couples move to a happier, more intimate relationships. She debunks the myth that relationships have to grow stale. She is happily married herself and she knows how wonderful a strong connection can be. A few clients find the book challenging to read but still feel that it is explaining something important to them. I am very familiar with Sue Johnson's work. She is by far the best clinician writing about and researching marital therapy. Amazingly, her method resolves even very difficult cases in about 12 longish sessions. John Gottman calls her the world's best marital therapist. I have watched her do therapy many times on video at workshops and advanced trainings. She is magic, but so far her books have been aimed at professionals and were too complex for even many professionals to understand, let alone clients. This one works!

Good book. Looks at arguments in a meta way where in some couples, 1 chases aggressively and 1 withdraws, leading to a toxic cycle. I would have appreciated more of a checklist of patterns in each chapter, rather than several examples of different couples interacting, as it felt more complicated. Having a salient framework and list would have felt more clear. Still a good book.

I bought this book because it had so many great reviews such as “saved my marriage” As we read through it there were definitely some great communication tools we learned, and a lot of things that hit home. But you must both be committed to taking the book seriously each time you dive in. Despite the things we’ve read, we still get stuck in our “dance.” And both get choked up and have trouble expressing our feelings. In some ways it even made things worse. Maybe will try reading a round #2. That or just bite the bullet to see a marriage counselor already. Because it really is a good book with great tools. But if you’re still stuck in stagnation, real therapy may be needed. We can’t always be our own superheroes 😔 Since it didn’t help as much as I’d hoped, I recently dove into “The Delicate Science of Making Love,” and give it a try and already am feeling it more simply due to the fact the author states “Communication is not the Holy Grail.” Communication, communication, communication they always say. But perhaps I’ve put too much weight on “communication.” As sometimes communicating what we’re really thinking/feeling can end up causing even more damage. Especially when kicking a dead horse.

Excelente inversión, libro esencial para terapejtas de pareja interesados en la aplicación de la teoría del apego. De lectura amable, ágil, clara. Útil para las parejas y para los profesionales.

The book is really excellent. But listening to it on the CD, was not such a great experience. Very poorly edited, feels like it is read by a computer. I am looking forwards to read it.

Great reference book for all couples

No esperaba que estuviesen todas las hojas marcadas con resaltador rosa y escrituras. Demasiado usado para haber dicho que estaba en buenas condiciones.

A really good book for anyone in a relationship or working with relationships who's interested in how relationships can work better, it's equally good for self-help or for a helper. This book takes a very different approach from (e.g.) 'Fighting for your Marriage' (Howard Markman) or John Gottman's books. It's based on attachment theory which Johnson explains simply and clearly in just a few pages. Her approach is to define the self-perpetuating 'Demon Dialogues' partners get locked into, and to help the partners firstly to recognise that it's the 'demon dialogue' that's the enemy in the relationship rather than their partner, and secondly how to work together to stop the Demon Dialogue and to build constructive dialogues instead. An easy read, human and humane, very highly recommended.