Steven CarterHe's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships

This book is easy to read and understand. It's well written and makes you want to come back to reading it.Here's the dealio... Self-help books and professional therapy are not going to solve your problems. What they do is help you identify your problems so you can be more aware of them, and then you must change your behavior or act accordingly to avoid repeating the behavior that causes you pain. It's not easily done. That's like telling a smoker to quit smoking and their health gets better. Duh, but if you've never been addicting to nicotine, you have no idea how hard it is. It may also give you some tools, but YOU still need to change your own behavior willingly in order to overcome what ails you emotionally. And I'm not talking about people with serious issues that require medication; just what most of us are buying this book for, getting over a commitment-phobic cycle of relationships, whether your and active participant, passive or both.In short, only you can solve your issues. The first big step is just seeing that you do indeed have an issue. So many of us wander around thinking we can't find real love because of the people we meet. They must be the ones with the issues. But you have to realize that you are the one picking your partners and ask yourself why? I still don't get how is it I seem to zero in on men that seem so great at first, and then turn out to have commitment issues. What red flags am I missing? Well, I think this book has taught me a few that I can be aware of now as I meet new men. Step one; check. I know I have a problem and I know what to look for to avoid getting involved with commitment-phobic men.But what if you're in the midst or end of a relationship with a commitment-phobe, such as I am now? The denial is amazing... If we could just get past point B then we can be happy and move on to the next level. Seeing other people's stories and hearing the analysis and outcomes that are the same over and over, makes you realize YOU ARE in a commitment-phobic relationship. Because that's the big problem: You keep hoping that you're not with a commitment-phobe and that the next time you get back together, THIS TIME you will work it out. You want to keep giving your lover the benefit of the doubt every time he pulls away and comes back... You seem to be moving two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward, then WHAM, 10 steps back. It's devastating. And if your partner refuses to believe he has issues, or that if he just found the right person, he wouldn't have conflicts and ambivalence, then it's hopeless. Time to move on. And like any addiction, that's easier said than done. When you decide to move on, the best piece of advice I read is to join AA. Yes, AA... They deal with addictions, and that is what this love is.Reading this will help you learn more about yourself, if you're open to it. For me, I'm both a passive and active commitment-phobe. I've done the same things to other guys that my current boyfriend has done to me. So if I ever disentangle myself from him, I will approach new relationships differently now, and more honestly. I've also realized, thanks to this book, that I allow myself to get stuck in the mourning phase after a break up with him. So that when he returns 6 months later, I'm just so happy to alleviate the depression and pain I've been suffering that I take him back.I also learned to recognize that my commitment-phobia isn't limited to men, it affects my relationships with friends and family too. I avoid committing to doing things until the last minute because, hey, what if something better comes up? And the result is missing out on doing a lot of things that would have been fun. So another piece of advice, start committing yourself to going places and doing things to help you get over your own commitment fears. And don't change your plans when that man calls! (that one is hard). It took me a month of waffling to finally decide on a cruise with friends. I know I'll have a great time and the price was great, so what was the problem? Simple, every time I was faced with having to book the reservation, I was overcome by anxiety and would back out. Is this rational? No. But the more I refuse to allow my anxiety to control me, I will feel less of that anxiety down the road.That anxiety is exactly what my man feels when we get too close. And that's why he back out of the relationship, then misses me and comes back. It's a painful and destructive cycle. And each time he returns, I hope that he's accepted his issue and realized that he can overcome it by not allowing his anxiety to control him. I have a choice: I can end this. I don't have to put up with this. Reading this book and going to therapy isn't going to magically make me strong enough to do that. I have to find that strength inside me. I have to stop hoping it might work out, and reach a point where I accept it will never work out. But a book or therapist won't get me there... I have to get me there.Good luck everyone!

Well written and remarkably helpful for anyone who is now or has ever been involved in a commitment-phobic relationship. Prior to reading the book, I had never heard of commitment phobia or commitment-phobic relationships, but I came to it as I was attempting to make sense of how the love of my life abruptly ended our relationship by telling me she had no feelings for me whatsoever and virtually disappeared. This happened almost a full year after we had first proclaimed our love for each other and had established a deep, loving, mutual connection that, up until the end, was consistently reinforced in word and deed on a daily basis. The "I Love You's" flowed freely, we each had made each other a priority, seeing each other brightened our days, we shared the tenderest of moments, discussed the future with an implicit understanding that our lives would be lived together and literally never had an argument. So I was shocked and bewildered that mere weeks after we had discussed plans to blend our families and booked a trip to Hawaii, she, inexplicably, began to back away. Calls and texts became less frequent and more brief, gone were any terms of endearment or signs of affection, dates were broken and excuses began to be offered as to why we couldn't spend time together. Among other things, I was criticized for being "controlling" because I cleaned her house and bought groceries while she was on a business trip and, oddly, it began to appear that just being in my presence made her uncomfortable. Over the span of two weeks, I had witnessed a complete "evaporation" of the most important relationship of my life.As I processed through the grief of losing the relationship, I searched the internet and read every book I could find that might help me understand my ex's behavior and what I had just lived through. Was she emotionally unavailable, did she have borderline personality disorder, an avoidant attachment type, narcissistic personality disorder? Having sifted through the best that academia and the "blogosphere" had to offer, nothing seemed to fit. Then I stumbled across "He's Scared, She's Scared". Through deep reflection on their own personal experiences and hundreds of interviews with people who had been in promising relationships that ended while they were at there best, they identified the basic concept of commitment-phobia: incredibly powerful fears and anxieties deep within someone that arise when a relationship is felt to be on an inevitable course towards commitment. The insidious thing about commitment-phobia is that the people who experience it, seldom know what is at the source of their fundamentally changed view on their partner and relationship. All they know is that they "feel" differently and they need to escape. What I found particularly helpful about the book is that the authors very quickly and briefly establish the premise of commitment-phobia and then proceed to extensively layout a model for the typical course of a commitment-phobic relationship that describes how they evolve and explains what is behind the typical behaviors that someone with commitment phobia displays. As I read the book, the hairs on the back of my neck literally stood up. Every single one of the vexing, contradictory, and maddening behaviors I experienced was explained. Equally important, the author's offer practical advice on how to process through the bewildering grief often experienced in the aftermath of a commitment-phobic relationship and how to change your behavior to have a better chance for a successful relationship either now or in the future.If you or someone you care for has ever been in a relationship where you had successfully achieved that much sought after and elusive ideal of a deep,mutual, and loving connection and then saw it disintegrate right at the time when it seems things couldn't be better, I highly recommend that you read this book.

I have almost finished reading this book. I decided to read this book following a period that I can call my own spiritual awakening. I lost a few relatives to cancer over the past 6 years, which resulted in me not dealing with my pain ... buried it. This then manifested itself in me acting out in different ways to try and make myself feel better. I have longed for a close intimate relationship for a very long time, but each time I have that opportunity I sabotage the relationship by trying to meet someone else or distance myself to such an extent it kills off the relationship. This behavior has troubled me for a very long time, being 34 ... I have had 4 serious relationships and 3 I have sabotaged. I've been searching inside for answers to my behavior ... and this book has certainly helped, I have active conflicts and narcissistic traits, I always have one foot in a relationship and one foot at the door incase I need to escape, I create boundaries, then I create more boundaries so that if I need to exit the relationship then I can do so without much hassle ... albeit this type of action seriously hurts someone when they love you. That's what really made me take a hard look at myself. I'm so very tired of hurting people who show me love. I don't want to be that guy ... I want to be a good role model for my children should I have some. I need to respect my own self worth and stop living in this warped reality in my own mind, this. I've been taking medication and attending therapy, whilst reading many self help books and writing in my journal. Grief I experienced from losing my Mum and Aunt to cancer are big events to go through, and we are not perfect, we are only human. This book is a good read, I agree with many of the reviews that the stories do get a little tiring ... but the book hits home and it hits home hard, I had to put the book down a few times as it really hurt to read about my actions, but its also relieving to know i'm not crazy. Next step is long term therapy to look at fundamental childhood building blocks for me, and ive been going to meditation which has been wonderful. Don't be too hard on yourself, we all make mistakes ... the fact you're looking to read a book like this shows true courage. Most people sleep walk through life. I have my thoughts and views on other self help books on IG: just___mike.all the best.

I bought this book because I wanted to know why I started panicking in relationships, especially as I wanted to be in a committed relationship so very, very much. Much I what the book said fitted me very well, but there were differences too which was quite confusing.If you want to know why you keep sabotaging your relationships then this book will give you some insight.However, if you also crave the ability to form a committed relationship then this is very, very depressing. Other than recommending psychotherapy there is very, very little good news or advice in its pages (hence only four stars).I've ordered the follow-up book: "Getting to commitment" in the hope it provides a more optimistic view for the future.

it usuallly takes me ages to finnish books, not because i'm a slow reader, but because i normally have about 10 different books on the go all at once (signs that i'm a classic phobic perhaps?). but i sat down and devoured this book in four days flat. it totally blew me away: i felt like they must have BEEN SPYING ON ME OR SOMETHING BECAUSE THEY WERE DESCRIBING MY EXPERIENCES TO A 'T'!i didn't work through the exercises yet, because i feel like i need to read the whole book again and sit with it for a while, but it's been really helpful in getting me through a very painful recent breakup with yet another phobic man, and has helped me recognise how i take on the passive role over and over again.i don't know if i'm going to be able to totally get over myself and change or if i even want to, but it's useful to recognise your own patters. if you can stand to take a look at yourself, everything starts to feel more manageable. i'd definately recommend this book for people like me who need to read as part of their breakup recovery and self healing.

I'm writing this review 2 years after I read the book. It changed my life. About six months after starting working on myself after reading this, I met an incredible man, manage to win my resistance, and we are now married and have a child together. We love each other honestly, fully and are fully committed

Having read ' Men who can't love' I had high hopes for this book. Sadly it didnt live up to expectations. It is pretty much a collection of stories from commitment phobic individuals, punctuated by the odd paragraph from the author. I found myself longing to get to past all the interviews with people and read what the author had to say - but that point never came and by the time I was halfway through it was an uphill struggle to finish it.